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When it’s 4:00 A.M.  and my unruly two year old is up and has the needle pinned, I have only a few options and fewer moments to bring the insanity to a screeching halt. You gotta act fast. Period.

Below are a few tricks I use to make this situation go a little smoother.

1. Make coffee. I do this because, well, I am going to be up for a while. No matter how I slice it. And I know my wife will abandon me the second I look like control has been established. So I just immediately go for the pint glass double shot of Dunkin’s Dark Roast.

2. Old School Cartoons. I will rock some old school Tom & Jerry or some good ole Woody Woodpecker. Why? Certainly not for their politically correct nature. But more for the fact that a pool cue shot down an unsuspecting cats throat is funny to me. And laughter is the best medicine at 4 A.M. It is important that I am entertained as well, as then both me and the little fireball are giggling at the same idiotic fodder. Also, this will distract your kid from screaming and waking up every one of the neighbors in your brownstone.

3. The Chromecast/Netflix secret weapon. I keep my flatscreen dialed up with Chromecast and Netflix on my iPhone. When I need the big guns, I pull out my phone and put on the greats.

4. A.B.C – Always Be Charging! If you have kids, you kna’ what I mean. A dead phone or iPad at 4 A.M. means that meltdown is about to reach epic proportions. I make sure all my devices are plugged in prior to slumber because little Thomas will turn into a shit throwing monkey right before my very eyes if they go dead.

5. Say “Yes” to EVERYTHING. “Can you get up and help me…?” Yes. “Can you get Thomas a buba…?” Yes. “Will you stay up with him so I can go back to bed…?” Yeeess! “Will you also, take out the trash, walk the dog and feed the kids before I wake up too…?” YEEEEESSS!!!! Remember this, saying no makes the problem grow, say ya, and make it go away (because you make it go away). Nothing makes the early morning rise any easier. Especially if you are a city dweller. We have way more to think about than the typical suburban pussy. The key is to always be prepared. Have all the trimmings. Double check the inventory the night before. And always be on your toes. Lazy and lethargic can only make the city that much more shitty.